Camitloaf is a sweet loaf

When it comes to Camilo, a couple of truth nuggets are paramount to understanding the weirdness you're about to read.

First,  Camilo is my fella. (I'll spare you a repeat of the gross details.)   Camilo is also what one might call an absurdly good sport.

My nuclear-grade fondness for him isn't exactly a secret, but nonetheless, sometimes the wordplay-loving side of me meets up with the creepy-weirdo-who's-willing-to-do-pretty-much-anything-for-a-joke side, and their powers combine to form Captain Planet.  Or at least, some pretty disturbing nicknames.

One of my favorites is "Coatmilo" (I say I'd like to make his amazing skin into a jacket as soon as I'm able to collect 100 more of him), but the prize stallion in the proverbial stable is "Camitloaf" (I apparently think it's tender to threaten to kill your partner for the purpose of cooking and eating him).

The origin of actual Camilo is Bogotá, Colombia, where this young Adonis lived cuando era bebé, before his family emigrated to the U.S.  I mention this because one of the distinguishing features of Camitloaf is that it's made entirely with white meat;  actual Camilo insists that he is, in fact, made with dark Latin meat, and exactly nobody is buying that.  (Fluency in Spanish notwithstanding, I only believe he's Latin because there's a damning container of Adobo seasoning in his cupboard.)

Like actual Camilo, Camitloaf is colorful, protein-rich, and delightfully different from everything else you've experienced.  It's hot and will probably take longer to be ready than you expect it to.  Lastly, it's good for you.  No doubt about that.

I had so much faith in this recipe that I did no testing whatsoever before cooking it up for a for-real dinner with its namesake's help.  To expound on the triumph of our results would inevitably lead to more unappetizing descriptions of  HOW VERY MUCH I LIKE THIS MAN.   So, instead, let me simply present to you:

CAMITLOAF

Inspired by the makings of 

an unparalleled coat

Ingredients

• Cooking Spray
• 2 tsp Garlic, Minced
• 1 Medium Onion, Diced
• 1 1/2 cups Carrots, Matchstick or Diced
• 1 Red Bell Pepper, Diced
• 1 tbsp Adobo Light
• 1/2 tsp Ground Black Pepper
• 1 1/2 cups Whole Kernel Corn (frozen is OK)
• 1 egg
• 3 1/2 oz Tortilla Chips, Crushed (any flavor)
• 3/4 cup Salsa (as hot as you can stand it)
• 1/4 cup Water
• 1 lb Lean Ground Turkey
• 1 lb Lean Ground Pork
• 1/2 cup Cheddar Cheese, Shredded
• 1/3 cup Fresh Parsley

Directions

Preheat oven to 350°F.  Heat a large skillet coated with cooking spray on medium-low temp.  Add garlic, onion, carrots, bell pepper, Adobo and black pepper. Sautee for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add corn and cook for 2 more minutes (double if using frozen corn), then remove from heat.

In a large bowl, mix egg, crushed tortilla chips, salsa, water, ground turkey and pork, sauteed vegetables and 1/4 cup cheese. Transfer mixture to large baking dish (at least 2" deep) or loaf pans coated with cooking spray. 

Bake for at least 80 minutes for loaf pans, adding time for larger dishes.  Sprinkle remaining cheese on top and bake for 10 more minutes (or until internal temperature reaches 170°F if using a meat thermometer). Cool for 5 minutes, sprinkle with parsley and serve.

Makes 6 immensely satisfying servings.

Nutrition

Amount Per Serving

Calories  493

Calories from Fat  226

Total Fat  25 g

Saturated Fat  9 g

Cholesterol  148 mg  (49% DV)

Sodium  850 mg  (35% DV)

Total Carbohydrate  27 g

Dietary Fiber  3 g

Sugars  7 g

Protein  36 g

No foolin':  YOU NEED TO FREAKIN' MAKE THIS.  It'll make you forget that there ever was a time when you thought all a meatloaf could do was disappoint.   

You're in my heart, You're in my stomach

This blog is undoubtedly getting heavier than originally intended.  It would seem that I have too many feelings for too many delicious people.

Bethann is a puzzle.  She is also a preposterously delectable dessert.  Most importantly, she is a darling and dear bosom friend, and I promise that that's not a joke about her eye-poppingly glorious knockers.  Trying to write about Bethann isn't like writing about someone you can't imagine living without, because it is that, precisely.  She is the yin to my yang, and the sole party responsible for the soliloquy I will now begin.

When I think about friendships between women, it always ends in me thinking about men.  What I mean by that is this: Women (heterosexual, Western, American-- qualify that as you see fit) are conditioned to view relationships with men as primary, and with other women as secondary to those relationships with men.

I can't speak to the social education of a (heterosexual, Western, American) man, so I won't try, but I think that this view on the social education of women explains why virtually every (heterosexual, Western, American, yeah yeah) woman has a tale to tell of a very close friend who found a guy one day, and subsequently fell quite abruptly off the face of the earth.

To steer this soapboxing homeward, I have arrived at the belief that, possibly unavoidably and likely without real awareness of it, many women use other women as space-occupiers for man-shaped holes in their lives. And, while I can't say emphatically enough that this is not an attack on those women, I can't help but say that the complete failure of Bethann to qualify as such is perhaps what I love most about her.   

BA loves me, this I know (and she constantly tells me so!)

...Anyway...

BA loves decadence and I love BA, so for her birthday this week I made her into a dessert that's not much more than a bunch of things she loves all mashed up together in the most chemically successful way I could manage.  Workplace-tested and doctor-approved (let's call it a coincidence that BA's doctor and I share a workplace):

DIRTY BLONDIES
(BETHDAY CAKES)

Inspired by Bafu

Ingredients

• 1 stick (i.e., 1/2 cup or 8 tbsp) Unsalted Butter or Margarine
• 1 1/3 cups White Chocolate Chips, divided
• 1 Whole Egg
• 1 Egg Yolk
• 1 tsp Vanilla Extract
• 1 cup Baking Flour (whatever type you prefer)
• 2/3 cup Dark Chocolate Chips
• 1/2 cup (i.e., 2 oz) Chopped Hazelnuts
• 1 cup Shredded Coconut, Sweetened
• 2/3 cup Brown Sugar

Directions

Preheat oven to 350°F.  Coat inside of square aluminum, ceramic or nonstick baking pan with cooking spray.

Melt butter and 1 cup white chocolate chips together in a microwave-safe container or over medium heat on the stovetop.  Using a whisk, blend together until lumps disappear.  Allow to cool until mixture is close to room temperature (stick in the fridge for a few minutes to speed this process).

Add egg and egg yolk and vanilla, blending with whisk until smooth.  Add flour, dark chocolate chips, hazelnuts and coconut, mixing ingredients well with a large spoon.  

Add brown sugar last.  Crazy, right?  Mix with spoon until evenly distributed.

Spoon batter into prepared pan, smoothing surface with spatula or backside of mixing spoon. Stud the surface of batter with remaining 1/3 cup of white chocolate chips, distributing evenly.  

Bake until edges and white chocolate chips are slightly browned (you can also test with a toothpick).  Remove from heat, cool completely, cut into squares and make a lifelong friend.

Makes 20 2"x2" blondies.

Nutrition

Amount per Serving 

Calories  249
Calories from Fat  135  

Total Fat  15 g 

Saturated Fat  10.5 g

Cholesterol  23 mg  (7% DV)
Sodium  30 mg  (1% DV)
Total Carbohydrate  29 g 

Dietary Fiber  1.5 g
Sugars  20 g
Protein  2 g

I wish a BA with a cold glass of milk for every one of you.  (And a blondie, too!)

Super Lemon Baby Cakes are simply Marvelicious

I’m super stuck right now trying to alchemically transform squash into pancakes for my next Friendcipe.  So,

Why not a special post, on a special subject?

Any of you who haven’t seen the movie Waitress (by Adrienne Shelley and starring Keri Russell and Nathan Fillion), you really need to do that.  Those of you who have, try and conjure up the underlying feeling behind “Falling In Love Pie.”  This is a lot like that.

Somebody special and I discovered the day we met that our birthdays are two days apart, that he was born the year before I was, and that there happened to be one day during our lives when we both were alive and 0 years old.  Like big nerds, we hung on to the idea of celebrating “0 Day,” which comes upon us this week.  Not helping the ‘big nerd’ case is the way we decided to celebrate:  Marvel superhero shaped mini cakes in our shared favorite flavor—LEMON!

Somebody special has a cartoonishly large amount of bottled lemon juice in his possession, especially in comparison to the amount of real food he keeps stocked.  He says he loves to make lemonade.  I say he makes love to lemonade.  If I didn’t love it too, I might consider lemonade seriously threatening competition.

When testing most-loved lemon cake recipes found in various nooks and crannies online, it became clear that the options available to me were not at all what I wanted—too sweet, too cakey, not moist enough, not lemony enough, wrong, wrong, so audaciously and just impossibly wrong.

What was I to do?  You don’t give a person who shines on you like a sunbeam dry-ass, I-can’t-believe-it’s-supposed-to-be-lemon cake.  You don’t give a person who makes you shine like a sunbeam diabetes mellitus when what they want isn’t paralyzing sweetness, but tang that makes your tongue tingle.  So, I rolled up my sleeves and got to squeezing from my very heart a recipe that has as many names as it has fans, and as many fans as it has tasters, the sometimes called:

CUP-MITMENT CAKES/ MARVELICIOUS LEMON CAKES/ SUPER LEMON BABY CAKES

Simply Inspired

Ingredients

• 2 cups Bob’s Red Mill Low Carb Baking Mix (regular flour is OK too)
• 1/3 tsp Baking Soda
• 1/3 tsp Salt
• 2/3 cup Unsalted Whipped Butter
• 1 1/2 cups Cane Sugar
• 4 Eggs
• 1 cup Freshly Squeezed Lemon Juice
• 5 tbsp Freshly Grated Lemon Rind
• 2/3 cup Low Fat Sour Cream
• 1 1/3 cups Powdered Sugar (aka Confectioner’s Sugar)

Directions

Preheat oven to 325°F. Coat cupcake/mini bundt/ other fanciful baking pan with nonstick cooking spray.

Blend flour, baking soda and salt in a medium bowl. In a large bowl, beat butter with electric mixer at medium speed until fluffy. Gradually add sugar and beat 5 minutes.  Add eggs 1 at a time, beating just until combined after each addition.  Beat in 3/4 cup lemon juice and 4 tbsp rind.  Using a spoon, mix in dry ingredients, then sour cream. Transfer batter to prepared pan.

Bake until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool slightly before removing from pan.

In a small bowl, blend powdered sugar with remaining lemon juice and rind until smooth. Place cakes on parchment paper and brush tops with glaze, drizzling remaining amount on tops with a spoon.

Cool completely, serve, and enjoy with all your heart.

Makes 18 regular-sized cupcakes.

Nutrition

Amount Per Serving

Calories  207

Calories from Fat  62

Total Fat  7 g

Saturated Fat  4 g

Cholesterol  51 mg  (16% DV)

Sodium  127 mg  (5% DV)

Total Carbohydrate  32 g

Dietary Fiber  3 g

Sugars  25 g

Protein  12 g

Cup-mitment tastes tremendously moist and substantial with an outrageously zesty tang.  I hope it makes you shine like a sunbeam, too.

Lorridge is not a good portmanteau

Have you ever met someone under awkward circumstances, then instantly and famously hit it off?  That, in a nutshell, was the genesis of my friendship with Lora. 

I had been dating a fellow who happened to be her ex boyfriend for a short time, and because the universe loves shenanigans, the first two people to show up to his 30th birthday party were the two of us.  As shenanigans (and luck) would have it, instead of being super uncomfortable, it was a rollicking good time, and it wasn't long at all before Lora and I were skipping in step and the fellow was a dull and distant memory.

I love Lora to pieces, for reasons not excluding the range that her intentions and motivations have been known to span.  For her birthday one year, we dreamed up and then tried our darnedest to actualize a wizard battle themed bar crawl.  In constrast, my THE GIRLS ARE DOIN' IT FOR THEMSELVES approach to such tasks as hanging wall decorations was, at least early on in our friendship, met with nothing less than serious apprehension.

(Rest assured, I always get my (wo)man, and Lora went on to be a hero in the epic tale of two busted plastic screws that needed the shit drilled out of them so that yours truly could affix her new PA plate to her car and at long last become a law-abiding Pennsylvanian.)

The point, to which I promise I'm getting, is that as long as I've known her, no matter the degree of her aversion to dinnertime cookery (this has diminished substantially over time), Lora has been a serious aficionada of breakfast.  So, naturally, the food form of Lora is an overly ambitious plus delicious way to start the day.  And because "Lorridge" is just a positively dreadful portmanteau, for her I dreamed up:

BLUEBERRY OAT BAKE LORANGE

Inspired by Lora

Ingredients

• 1 cup Old-fashioned Oats
• 1 1/4 cups Silk Light Original Soy Milk
• 1 tbsp Flax Seed With Blueberries
• 1/2 cup Vanilla Nonfat Greek Yogurt
• 1/2 tsp Orange Peel
• 1/3 cup Vanilla Nonfat Greek Yogurt
• 3 tbsp Brown Sugar
• 2 tbsp Orange Peel
• 1 tsp Ground Cinnamon
• 1 tsp Ground Nutmeg
• 1 tsp Baking Powder
• 1/3 cup Blueberries, Raw or Frozen 

Directions



Combine oats, soy milk and flax seed in a medium sized bowl. In a separate dish, combine 1/2 cup yogurt and 1/2 tsp orange peel, mixing well. Cover both containers and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Blend oat mixture, 1/3 cup yogurt, 3 tbsp brown sugar, 2 tbsp orange peel, cinnamon, nutmeg and baking powder in a large bowl. Gently fold in 1/3 cup blueberries, then transfer mixture to a glass baking dish or oven-safe ramekins coated with cooking spray.

Bake 30 minutes or until golden brown on top. Smaller dishes may bake more quickly.

Cool to desired temperature and top each serving with equal amounts of orange yogurt.

Makes 3 servings.

Nutrition

Amount per Serving

Calories  256

Calories from Fat  36

Total Fat  4 g

Saturated Fat  .5 g

Cholesterol  0 mg (0% DV)

Sodium  230 mg  (9% DV)

Total Carbohydrate  43 g

Dietary Fiber  5 g

Sugars  21 g

Protein  12 g

I think this friendcipe is a blend of fast-breakin' basics and pure whimsy that suits Lora wonderfully.  And from what I can tell, she agrees!

Heather is a sweet treat

Heather and I go way back to the summer of 2006, when both of us, newly graduated and wanderlustful, picked up our lives and moved to Boston without a terribly thorough plan. As it happened, we found ourselves working for the same employer in particularly odd circumstances, and quickly and easily developed both a wonderful friendship and a seamless professional partnership that was seriously beneficial for everybody.

Both Heather and I eventually made our way back to the places we'd come from--I, Pittsburgh, PA and she, Fort Collins, CO--but I still think of her as a bosom friend and hope to use her as an excuse for cross-country travel long into the future.

One of Heather's greatest vices (and this gives away what a model human being she is) is her love of Starbucks, and her drink of choice is the protein-rich, sweet, spicy and all-around delicious chai latte. One of Heather's greatest loves is her ridiculously well-mannered, genteel and adorable canine companion, Rockstar, who for reasons probably long forgotten acquired the nickname "Ganolich" in Boston, something I absolutely insist on keeping alive.

So, for Heather, my dear friend and lover of treats both delicious and nutritious, I created:

GANOLICHAI PUDDING

Inspired by Heather

Ingredients

 

• 4 cups Silk Light Original Soy Milk
• 1/3 cup Arborio Rice, Uncooked
• 1/3 cup Sugar
• 1 tsp Ground Ginger
• 2 tbsp Ground Cinnamon
• 1 tbsp Cardamom
• 1 tsp Ground Allspice
• 2 tsp Vanilla Extract, Imitation, No Alcohol
• 8 tbsp Fat Free Whipped Cream
• 4 tbsp Seedless Raisins
• 4 tsp Walnuts

Directions

Bring milk, sugar and rice to a boil in a medium saucepan. 

Reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 10 minutes, stirring frequently. 

Add ginger, cinnamon, cardamom, allspice and vanilla to mixture. Simmer, continuing to stir frequently, for 20 more minutes or until thickened to desired consistency. Remove from heat and allow to cool.

Separate into serving dishes and chill.  To serve, top each pudding with 2 tbsp whipped cream, 1 tbsp raisins and 1 tsp walnuts.

Makes 4 servings.

Nutrition

Amount per Serving

Calories  232
Calories from Fat  31

Total Fat  3.5 g
Saturated Fat  .5 g
Cholesterol  0 mg  (0% DV)
Sodium  128 mg  (5% DV)
Total Carbohydrate  34 g

Dietary Fiber  4 g
Sugars  13 g
Protein  8 g

I love Heather and can assure you, this recipe is sweet and spicy, just like her!